There are events in one's life that act as triggers. Triggers for emotions. Triggers for actions. There are big triggers and small triggers. Big and small emotions. Big and small actions. Over the past 3 years, I've had some substantial triggers in my life. The Break Up. The Job Loss. The Move to a New Country. Significant triggers. And whilst I've been meaning to write throughout, it was today's small trigger.. elusive, indistinct, dim, fleeting, small trigger, that finally had me rushing to the blogosphere.
So here it is. My first blog.
After a harrowing break-up, job loss and general despondency from time spent in rock-bottom, I finally embark on a slow and steady ascend. I am now the happy resident of a 630 sq.m one bedroom apartment. Small, glamorous apartment with floor to ceiling glass overlooking a glamorous desert. A desert slowly drowning under a sea of shimmering glass towers. This is my home now, and I am grateful. So grateful, in fact, that I am cautiously letting happiness creep slowly back into my jaded life.
I've been single since The Break Up. 3 years now - 3 yrs of fear, self-doubt, loneliness, pain, bitterness - lots of bitterness, sadness, anger, resentment and blame. I imagine that I must not have been the best person to be around. And yes, once the initial force of this hurricane began to subside, I did apologize to the people in my life for how overbearing I must have been throughout the ordeal. Grace, I'm afraid, was not my strongest virtue.
I met someone recently. A handsome American with yellow hair and dark blue eyes. An architect. A wine connoisseur. Well-educated and stylish with an easy demeanor and always, always, the right thing to say. At first, I felt equal to him. I felt beautiful. Being next to a man like him made me feel beautiful. He was looking at me. He was seeing me. And I could make laugh. He laughed when he was with me. Happy. The happiness that comes with things shiny and new.
But quickly I started to feel sheepish. I liked him. For the first time in 3 years, I liked him. And I became sheepish. I became clumsy and insecure. Not him. Always calm. Always collected. That quiet, slow, steady, confidence that leaves you clambering about in comparison. And I clambered about. I thought of his arms with the golden tan. They were strong and I loved them. I loved feeling small next to him. I loved his voice. I loved the words he chose and the way he arranged them in his sentences. I love the way his shirt hung from his broad shoulders just above his hips. I loved his smell. Then he was gone.
Then today, he brushed past me in an elevator, me going in, him going out. Going out on a date that is. Looking sharp. Out for another hunt. And that smell that trailed all the way up the elevator and into my silly, stupid crushed heart. He didn't even stop to say hi.
So here it is, my dramatic spill:
I'm tired of living today. I'm tired of the abrasion of people.. they rub againt you, rough and unfiltered. They rub little bits of you away, scraping at your skin till you bleed. Till the blood seeps slowly out of your skin like teardrops from your pores. You walked right by me today. Our shoulders almost brushed, our eyes almost met - but they didn't. You shrugged me off like a careless thought. A passing impulse. A small mistake. I am nothing but a small mistake. You, in your smart jacket and smart glasses. With your yellow hair and sweet smell of a man that flows through me like a breath into my lungs, then finds its way to my yielding heart. I let you use me, like a cheap trick to try and leverage some of your affection. I let you use me. I did it.
I'm tired of living today. I'm tired of picking myself up off the ground. Off sweeping my shatterd heart into another dustpan, debating how much of it I can salvage this time. How many holes will remain this time, with their jagged edges cutting against my ribs. And it hurts. With each breath it hurts. Again. You shrugged me off. As if my own feelings of insignificane weren't enough. As if I needed reminding. Recalcitrant, stubborn, belligerant. I want to be all these things. I want to yell and scream and throw my fists at you. I want to stomp my feet and throw myself on the ground in a wild fit. In a childlike tantrum. Shove you. Hit you. Protest against you. Against my feelings for you. Against any feelings. Against having none of your affection. Against being shrugged off, insignificant. Did you even see me?
I'm tired of living today. I'm tired of trying to be this or not be that. Did I say something foolish today? Did I do something foolish today? Strong. Weak. Funny. Moody. Happy. Sad. Independent. Lonely. Thin. Fat. Tired. Tired. Tired.
